posted by Andrew Hazlett at
7/31/2002 09:02:00 PM
Monday, July 29, 2002
On Crankiness
Lee asked me several weeks ago to “explain” the Cranky Ranch, Cranky Plantation, and Cranky Palms.
Of course, no one can claim to have a full understanding of every facet of the many-splendored Cranky Empire, so I offer these thoughts as a stimulus to further discussion and debate. Over time, I hope we can all add to and refine these descriptions.
Cranky: Having a bad disposition; peevish. Having eccentric ways; odd. Full of bends and turns; crooked: a cranky mountain road. Working unpredictably; erratic: a cranky old truck. Rickety; loose. Full of spirit; crank. Addicted to crotchets and whims; unreasonable in opinions; crotchety. Unsteady; easy to upset; crank. easily irritated or annoyed; "an incorrigibly fractious young man"; "not the least nettlesome of his countrymen" (syn: fractious, irritable, nettlesome, peevish, peckish, pettish, petulant, testy, tetchy, techy)
The Cranky Ranch: Regeneration through Violence
Iconography: Rod and Gun crossed over a bottle of bourbon
Alcohol: beer,
whiskey (and
moonshine?)
Activities: drinking, shooting, hunting, fishing, recreational dynamiting,
paintball, trail maintenance, riding, earth-moving with heavy equipment, building maintenance.
Music: Johnny Cash,
Imperial March, etc.
Cuisine: steak,
game
Architectural Sources: Van Damm House [
I,
II];
Taliesin (and other Wisconsin Wright sites);
“rustic” architecture of National Park lodges;
Pancho’s Fly-Inn and
Happy Bottom Riding Club;
Rancho
Reagano .
Possible Locations: NH, ME, MT, WY, WV, VA
Uses: Annual Conclave of the Cranky; weekend retreat; postapocalyptic fortress
Antipodes: The Pony Farm, Alpha Delta Phi Middletown Chapter (The Present Day)
“The [creators of the Cranky Ranch] saw in [the Ranch] an opportunity to regenerate their fortunes, their spirits, and the power of their church and nation; but the means to that regeneration ultimately became the means of violence, and the myth of regeneration through violence became the structuring metaphor of the [Cranky Ranch] experience” Richard Slotkin
As we all know, the first foggy vision of the Cranky Ranch was revealed to a hung-over Lee Lerner on I-95 in fuckingmaine. Over time, that fantasia of late adolescence and alchohol has sharpened into something more realistic… and far more terrifying.
A Topography of Cruelty
The typical Crank is a soft, sedentary urbanite. The Ranch will offer a stark counterpoint to his sterile bourgeois existence. While the ranch will incorporate jovial features of the
Ale & Quail Club, there will be menacing undertones.
Marci Lerner is unspeakably wrong when so blithely she dismisses the Ranch as a “commune.” She will one day rue that comparison.
There will be no democracy at the Ranch. No gentle dialoguing, no empathizing, no consensus-building (excuse my
merde). The Ranch will be a contested site marked by fractious individualism. Only a few militaristic edicts will prevent an apocalypse of internecine bottle-rocketing. When imagining the social organization of the Cranky Ranch, think
Herat not
Brook Farm.
Life at the ranch will be marked by violence… both physical and psychic. Through such violence, we will find renewed vigor and purpose. Blood sports, landscape alteration, building construction, and recreational explosives will help Crankonians reenact the primordial struggle of Man against nature. Subjugation of nature, gratuitous damage to animals and the environment, indeed anything that might make
these people unhappy, will be encouraged at the Cranky Ranch.
Over the years, I have thought of the Ranch as a combination of second (country) house, rustic cabin, fraternity house, and writing retreat. Always, but particularly since September 11, the Ranch has had a survivalist tinge. I propose that food, medicine, and weapons be stockpiled.
We’ll need a firing range for target and skeet shooting. Instructors in hunting, riding, etc. will have to come by now and then. We will need remedial education in frontiersmanship.
I would like to see the Ranch situated in a forested mountain valley that features a stream or creek for fishing (and preferably a lake too, maybe even one big enough for
this). Ideally we would own the whole valley to preclude anybody building on our sightlines. [c.f.
Cunningham Falls State Park]
At minimum, the Ranch needs a Great Hall with an enormous “walk-in” fireplace and giant dining table. Adjoining the Great Hall will be a lounge/grotto (with bar, arm chairs, home theater, etc.) and a sweeping porch over-looking the valley. Our private rooms, cabins, or houses can be attached to the Great Hall or free-standing structures in the nearby woods.
I believe that the main property (with a small cabin perhaps) can be purchased in the near future, with bigger buildings and more development as Cranks’ free time and budgets grow.
Addenda
It has, lamentably, become necessary to contemplate the presence of children at the Ranch. Any that end up visiting, particularly sullen teens, will be put to work on clearing brush, scrubbing pots, carrying stones, cleaning deer carcasses. They will also be forced to take up elaborate hobbies unwillingly. Come the think of it, these activities might be appropriate for all less-than-completely-welcome guests at the Ranch.
Speaking of such folks, we do want to make sure that the delights of the Cranky Ranch do not overshadow the fundamental Crankiness underlying the whole enterprise. It has been suggested that terrible, annoying people be invited to join us and remind us of “why we fight.” Here are some nominations of people who represent the opposite of the Cranky Ranch:
Starhawk
Anyone from
this organization
Sam Butcher (the guy behind
Precious Moments)
Cranky Palms: A Weekend Place
Emblems: Crossed golf clubs behind martini glass
Alcohol: The Stanek Martini and
allied cocktails
Activities: drinking, wearing tight plaid pants or blue terrycloth jumpsuits, playing golf, drinking, enjoying the pool, watching television, drinking,
etc.
Music: Esquivel, rat pack, Jackie Gleason
Cuisine: largely
meat
Architectural Sources: Sinatra
Compound, Neutra
Location:
Palm Springs, Cal.
Uses: Winter escape; routine getaway for Angelenos
Background: unknown.
Additional Resources: Chevy Chase character in Caddy Shack; bomb shelter in Blast from the Past.
Antipode: The Hamptons
As Jim alluded in a recent e-mail, in Palm Springs one doesn’t really
do much, except for the essential life-affirming activities of drinking, lounging around, and pretending to play a “sport.” I for one, don’t mind taking up golf, as long as I’m not expected to become any good at it. I am particularly keen on the clothing associated with the game.
I see the Palms as heavily Lileksian—ironic, somewhat frayed “sophistication,” an antique form of decadence. Perhaps we could be on friendly terms with retiree neighbors who will probably have names such as “Ethel,” “Gladys,” or “George.”
The whole Palms concept will be given a trial run in September, of course. We’ll certainly have more to talk about then.
The Cranky Plantation: Enacting Narratives of Imperialism
Sources: Donovan’s Reef; Dutchie’s in
Only Angels Have Wings; Hala Kahiki, etc.
Emblems: tiki mug with anchor and sugar cane
Alcohol: rum variations, Belikan
Activities: drinking on veranda, brawling, deep sea fishing, giving orders to foreman…
Music:
Moonlighters,
Desmond Dekker, usual Tiki-oriented fare
Cuisine: Chilean Sea Bass (or other over-fished species)
Architectural Sources:
Koele Lodge
Possible Locations: Oceana (Hawaii, Tahiti), Belize
Uses: tax shelter, avoiding extradition
Background: Lee and Marci’s honeymoon?
Additional Resources:
Post-Colonialism
Antipode: Wesleyan University
The Cranky Plantation, though I can imagine many pleasant features, is not very clear in my mind. I confess I am mystified, offended, and hurt by Lee’s recent and unexplained comment that establishment of the Cranky Plantation will precede the Cranky Ranch proper. Why this most outlandish (literally) of the franchises should take priority over the Original Cranky Ranch is a baffling mystery to me.
Anyway, the consensus seems to be that the Plantation will be outside the United States in an amenable Third World locale. Presumably, the natives will be so overawed by our height and our dollars that they just build the place virtually for free. Apparently, we will also have no difficulty making regular transglobal flights to maintain a large homestead somewhere in the far reaches of the world.
Q: Is the Cranky Plantation an inherently racist enterprise? Discuss.
Closing Thoughts
Again, I hope that these comments spark additional discussion. I believe that the blogger format allows you to make changes and improvements at will. I suggest that we all do that (especially adding links).
